The Five of Wands

Themes: Conflict, immaturity, battle of egos, infighting

My Five of Wands story

The Neighbor Situation

My partner and I had been living in a 4-unit building for two months, when we received a typed letter on Thanksgiving Day 2014 from our neighbor downstairs. Here’s an approximate excerpt of what was said. (Name has been changed for privacy)

Dear resident,

This is Raymond who lives in the garden apartment downstairs. I am sick of your stomping around upstairs. I know you are doing it on purpose, and I’m sick of it. Please stop it immediately, or I will report you to our landlord.

-Raymond

When I got the letter, a mix of emotions emerged. Fear, anger, frustration and of course ‘WTF’ – if that can be an emotion. I understand if you’re annoyed by the creaky floors, but to accuse us of intentionally doing so, seemed like paranoid behavior. I showed the letter to my partner, and he felt equally WTF.

It was Thanksgiving day, and we still had a lot to do to prepare our assigned side dish, Sweet Potato Casserole for a party of 25. We were already feeling a little under the gun, so this newly arrived situation added to the stress pile. As we mashed 20 pounds of sweet potato, we discussed. “It’s a bit nuts, isn’t it? We are just living our lives; why would we intentionally do this?” My partner agreed.

Taking a step back from reaction

Since both of our emotions were running high, we thought it was best to focus on Thanksgiving and decide on an appropriate plan of action tomorrow. As we drove to the party, I recalled a conversation with Raymond when we first met. He seemed nice enough, but something he said was suspect. He said, “Welcome! Nice to meet you. I hope we get along better than the last people that lived here.”

“Oh, did you have some problems?” I responded.

“Yeah, we didn’t get along. I’m glad you’re here now!” Raymond responded. There were definitely issues.

The next day, I texted our neighbor upstairs because they’ve lived in the building for a while, so I wanted to get their advice. Her text back was a bit cryptic. “Put up BOUNDARIES hard. Now.” As we texted back and forth, it was revealed that the previous tenants in our unit had huge fights with Raymond about similar complaints, and it had gotten really bad. They would nastily snip at each other until the previous tenants succumbed to moving out.

Fighting paranoia with fire? Not gonna work…

As this new information surfaced, my partner and I realized that we were dealing with someone who didn’t take well to reason. Clearly, they don’t have their head on straight, so what’s the use in fighting someone who is kinda nuts? We decided that a confrontation wasn’t going to solve anything, and leaned into compassion for his situation rather than engage on his level. He could be right – the creaky floors are super annoying, and there are things we can do to help. We decided to approach the situation with softness rather than clash with back-at-you-accusations that we know will get us nowhere.

Here’s our response:

Dear Raymond,

I am so sorry that the creaky floors are bothering you. We just moved in a couple of months ago and did not have a chance to get rugs for some of the areas of our apartment. We will get some rugs and hopefully that will help.

Apologies! I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving!

Regards,

-Bonnie & JL

Some time passed, and we hadn’t heard anything from the neighbor, so we thought things were okay. Perhaps the rugs helped, and we didn’t think much of it anymore. But then, we received another letter a few months later.

Dear resident,

You’re stomping again. You knew that my mom was visiting me last month, and you did it to embarrass me. I’ve been getting bad migraines because my boyfriend broke up with me, and you’re doing all this purpose to make me feel worse. You better stop stomping.

-Raymond

This one was even more perplexing than the last. We had no idea that his mom was visiting or that his boyfriend broke up with him. We were irritated that he accused us of such things, but it only showed his narcissism and nutty-ness even more so. As irritated as we were, we decided to continue with our strategy, and responded with the following.

Dear Raymond,

I am sorry that the creaky floors are bothering you again, and we are sorry to hear you broke up with your boyfriend. Enclosed is some chocolate, that always helps me when I’m sad. We will try to be gentler on the floors.

Regards,

-Bonnie & JL

(And we included a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate with the letter)

And once again, silence followed for a few months, and then, the pattern continued; we’d receive another letter, and we would continue to respond softly. At one point, he threatened to sue us and our neighbor upstairs, and even as they fell into the unrelenting drama trap by getting a restraining order, we would not engage with fire.

As time went on, we got to know Raymond through these letters and hot / cold interactions in the halls, and it became abundantly clear: Raymond was truly troubled. At times, he would look incredibly sickly and later we’d find out that he had been in the hospital for a week. We of course didn’t want to judge or speculate about Raymond’s physical or emotional wellness, but all of these sabotaging behaviors pointed towards someone who was incredibly wounded and unwell. In the end, we truly did have compassion for Raymond. Anyone with such paranoia must be having quite a hard time within themselves.

After 2 years of back and forth, something miraculous happened. Raymond started being nice to us. He was having a garage sale out front, and when we came home, he introduced us to his friend as ‘really cool neighbors’. And then, a few months later, Raymond moved out of his garden apartment. This battle of wu-wei non-engagement was finally over.

Being the adult, even when others won’t

This feud / non-feud with our neighbor was a huge learning. There had been times in my life when others would fight me, I would fight back; I thought that to be ‘strong’ meant fighting back. And now, I know that people can only engage with conflict at their level of maturity, and we can easily be pulled down if we’re not intentional about being the person we want to be. And sometimes, when others are being childish, we gotta be the adult in the room. We gotta see be the ones to see through their hurt, their pain, and tend to them as children, with softness, compassion and understanding.

The 5 of Wands is about taking the high road, even when others won’t. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves and fight fire with fire. But we never know what’s happening in other people’s lives that we are in conflict with, and what drives their behavioral patterns. Could they be trying to re-create wounded dynamics to further their own victim-mentality? Their own self-loathing? To prove that they can’t be lovable? All we can do is be the most mature version of ourselves, and act within the integrity of our light. And hope that those loving seeds will blossom with time.

Rider- Waite Smith Tarot

Five of Wands

The meaning of the Five of Wands

In the traditional, Rider-Waite Smith Five of Wands, we see five adolescents jostling each other with sticks without concern for anyone else but themselves. I can almost hear them say “Owww. stop it!” “No, you stop it!” bickering, as children do. ‘You hurt me, I will hurt you back!’ and the drama continues. Each child has on different clothing representing their own faction, beliefs, differences. Each defends their righteousness and no one will stop to listen to another or see their own part in keeping this petty fight alive.

The Five of Wands represents those times in our lives where we find ourselves in conflict with others, and the situation is getting immature, petty, or overly righteous and no one is willing to listen to one another. The conflict has become a battle of wills or ego, childish, overly selfish, gossipy or mean (like Mean Girls!) They’re not realizing that by hurting others, they’re hurting themselves, and are unable to see how they’re contributing to this situation.

Stay in integrity with your Light

The Five of Wands invites us to ask ourselves: How can I be an adult in this situation? What is the most mature action to take in this situation? What is the most graceful action to take? When others are being immature, we can get sucked into the drama, pettiness, and ego, when we’re not aware of these swirling low vibrational energies that can pull us down to a childish level that is not who we are or want to be. Sometimes, it can be tempting to be vengeful when others are or play the blame game if others are doing it. The Five of Wands challenges us to rise above it, and do what is heart-centered, compassionate, and mature, despite what the other is doing, saying or being.

If you are feeling angry, irritated or triggered by this situation, it may be best to take a step back and take a breather before engaging. Ask yourself how you can listen, see things from their perspective or a higher perspective, and how you can engage in a way that is aligned with your integrity. Remember that ‘fighting’ or power struggles takes a ping pong from at least two individuals. If one of the two does not engage at the same childish level, the power struggle does not exist in the same way, because the other is simply struggling with themselves! This does not mean you can’t put up boundaries, but to do it with maturity, confidence and wisdom and react to the situation in a way that feels good to you in your heart.

PSA: Avoidance is also immature behavior

Lastly, remember that complete avoidance of conflict is also an immature way of handling conflict. Conflict is hard, but if there is something that need to be said or done, avoidance will only create more fire for both parties. We live in an age where ‘ghosting’ has become standard behavior. Be an adult and engage maturely. If you need space, it’s okay to tell the other person that you need a moment to gather yourself before engaging. And when you’re ready, be open to how others may respond and let go of the need to rectify the situation in a way that only serves you. Sometimes the most mature response is to understand that relationship dynamics are complicated, and to let go of outcomes of how others will respond.

The Five of Wands Quotes & Wisdom

“Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives? Because if not, there is absolutely no point.”

– Amber Veal

“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it, and if you win it, you lose it.” – Dale Carnegie

“There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself meeting them.”

– Phyllis Bottome

“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”

– Shannon Alder

The more we run from conflict, / The more it masters us; / The more we try to avoid it, / The more it controls us; / The less we fear conflict, / The less it confuses us; / The less we deny our differences, / The less they divide us.

– David Augsburger

Intuitively exploring the Five of Wands for yourself

Use the following prompts to explore the card for yourself using any tarot deck

Describe the imagery in the card.
What elements stand out to you?
What do the elements mean to you?
How does the card make you feel?

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to intuitive exploration. The meanings above are an interpretation of the card, but I encourage you to explore the card for yourself.

A few written paragraphs is not going to apply to everyone, but simply a starting point. Get curious and explore the card for yourself.

Received the Five of Wands?

Additional Journaling Prompts to Ask Yourself

What is the conflict? (Don’t hold it in, journal all about it, and let yourself ‘go there’ to release its hold)
How is the situation immature or childish? Or mean?
How can you be an adult in this situation? What is the most mature way to move forward?
How can you handle this situation in a way with grace, and stay in integrity with your true self?

Tarot decks pictured in header: (left to right)
Modern Witch Tarot, Rider-Waite Smith Tarot, Tarot of Mystical Moments, The Housewives Tarot