One ‘Thank you’ Note, Many Lessons

A quiet thank you that rewrote a story I’d carried for 15 years, and its unexpected lessons

About a year ago, an ex-coworker I hadn’t talked to in close to 15 years messaged me on LinkedIn. She wrote to tell me how grateful she was for everything I did for her. I was stunned because honestly, I thought she didn’t like me.

I had hired her straight out of college, and she was the first person I ever managed. I had brought her onto my team at a time when I was drowning in work. I was doing 12-hour days, nonstop, in one of the most toxic tech environments I’d experienced up to that point. It was all ego, all the time — a constant battle to be the smartest, the toughest, the most cutthroat.

Looking back, I can see how hard I pushed myself just to keep up. After nine months, I burned out. I quit — taking my power back, but also leaving her behind in a mess. I felt guilty. For a long time, I assumed she resented me for it.

In my reply, I thanked her and told her how much her message meant to me — and how surprised I was, considering the way I left.

She told me that she didn’t feel that way at all. She was grateful for all that I had taught her, which laid the foundation for who she is today in her career, and for that, she’s forever grateful.

The beauty that surfaced through her message

Her note hit me deeply. From that small but powerful exchange, a series of unexpected gifts began to unfold — realizations I hadn’t seen clearly until that moment. What started as a simple thank you turned into something much more: a reflection on impact, perception, boundaries, and healing.

Here are the lessons that rose to the surface.

1) We can have a positive impact without even realizing it.

Most of the time, we’re just going about our lives — doing our work, being ourselves — unaware of how we might be affecting others. I sometimes find myself in those existential spirals: I’m putting all this effort out into the world… is any of it actually landing?

Her message was a beautiful reminder, at a time when I needed it: we are making a difference, even if we don’t see it. We have to trust that our presence matters — without clinging to metrics or proof. (Which, admittedly, is hard for someone like me, with a background in research and tech!)

2) Our self-critical perspective is just that — a perspective.

For 15 years, I assumed this person didn’t like me. Her message reminded me: the stories we tell ourselves — especially the critical ones — are just interpretations of what happened, not the facts. Even if she had disliked me, that still would’ve been just one perspective.

I’ve often judged my younger self: I should’ve handled that better. But those thoughts are just stories, just as the judgements I have of a time period in my life, are also stories.

The truth is, when I really look back, it wasn’t all bad. Yes, some parts of the culture were toxic. But there were also good people — people who respected me. In fact, when I quit, the COO fired my boss and told me, “This is an olive branch. We want you to stay.” I was too burned out, so I still left. But I have a tendency to remember ‘the bad’ and not those who attempted reconciliation and improvement.

It’s easy to let a few negative experiences define the whole story. But the full picture is often more balanced — and more generous — than we give it credit for.

3) The boundaries we set, when set in self-love, is love for all

When I left, I was setting a boundary — and boundaries are hard. Especially when you’re a people-pleaser like me. I wrestled with guilt: Is it okay for me to leave if it makes things harder for someone else?

But the truth is, that decision — though painful — came from self-love. I was burned out. I needed to choose myself.

And maybe my leaving was hard for her at the time. But maybe it also gave her space to grow — to lead, to apply what she’d learned. However it played out, that boundary ended up being good for both of us.

When we set boundaries from a place of love and care for ourselves, we create space for others to grow, too. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary.

4) The healing power of a simple “thank you.”

For 15 years, I carried the quiet belief that she resented me. I wasn’t actively thinking about it all the time, but the guilt lingered subtly.

Then she messaged me — just a few sentences — and said thank you. That was all it took to lift the weight. Our entire exchange was maybe 10 lines total, but it completely shifted my perspective. From guilt to gratitude. It freed an energy I held for a while.

It reminded me how powerful a simple thank you can be. If you feel grateful for someone, tell them. You never know how much it might mean.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Margaret Cousins: